Perhaps I am on the pity pot. Probably. We’ll see…
Here I am in a wonderful geographic place, making beautiful photographs that, in my mind, show the grace, power and delicacy of the female form. The sun is out (finally) and the temperatures are perfect. I have had a relaxing and pleasant Sunday, with some good reading, some beach time and a decent conversation with at least one person. Nevertheless I am terribly lonely and feeling increasingly isolated from the rest of the students here. Is it my age? It is because I do not drink alcohol? Do I threaten them in some way? I have noticed that more and more often I have not been invited to join anyone for a meal, idle companionship, or even to share my car-anything. I have to actually go out of my way to invite myself. It is humiliating for me to continuously ask if I can join someone for a simple cup of coffee. If the shoe were on the other foot, which it has been before, I would be the first person to invite someone along for the ride.
In Homer’s ‘The Odyssey’ there are only a few point where Odysseus is truly alone. His men are lost, he has been imprisoned–things along those lines. A teacher I know taught me that, to the Greeks, being alone is seen as a type of illness. This is why the Greek traditions are always jammed with people. No one eats alone, sits in cafes by themselves, no one. I can identify with Odysseus. It feels as if I am a pariah, banished from the pack and destined to do nothing but walk from my apartment, to school and back. I feel as if I have been cursed. So what have I done to deserve this? Am I deluding myself into thinking that I am a nice guy when everyone else actually considers me a shit head?
To be honest I have much to be grateful for. It would be nice to have some other folks around to share it with me. There is a dark part of me that wants to say, “Fine. No more love from me. You all want it that way, then go away.” I do not believe that this is the correct way to think though. I must believe that, deep down, it is not me that this is about. Unfortunately it is becoming increasingly difficult to do so.
More to come…
JDCM
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